i'm working as a substitute teacher at the american school of pachuca (more on that some other time). this book was in the school library. it's from 1964, by some fool called sidney lens, and so far it's silly as hell: history made for kidz made for fat capital-lust & reality-rejection.

here’s a quote from the second freaking page:

“Revolution means a radical change. The American Revolution radically changed the character of America. If it had not been for this Revolution there might not have been a United States stretching from the Atlantic to the Pacific Oceans. Instead there might have been three or five or twenty small countries, each as weak as—say—Mexico or Peru. Who knows?”

well, fuck me. as weak as mexico or peru? when you put it like that, sydney, i thank my lucky stars & stripes that the u.s. was founded by pasty, slave-owning indian-killers. you’re absolutely right: where would i be without them? maybe mexico...

but really, sydney. what ARE you saying? if the yankees hadn’t torn west through most of north america with blood dripping from their teeths WE’D be just like THE MEXICANS?!

whatever. the real point of, “A Country is Born: The Story of the American Revolution,” by Sidney Lens is that it’s now, “a country of scorn (and porn): the joke of american ablution,” by max cheney.

in the spirit of my dad, don cheney, i’m getting my translation on.

here are a few clips of what’s so far (keep in mind that these, along with the title, are rough):

*back then the world was no bigger than your average country elephant. clowns & garbage men made up a different kind of economy. dog’s tails chased them instead of, well, the other way around. the pope wore lycra trousers in the mornings and by dusk had crossed himself so many times that he often wandered the garden wearing only a cocktail dress. this is 1775 serious…*

later…

*compared to the macho, nacho-cheese fuck-you skirmishes that the united states puts claim on these days, the american revolution was more like the american Pussy-Bitch-Slap-Fest. the war cost the same as like twelve oxen and a crate of cracker jacks. westmoreland spent more on a napalm cigarette in vietnam.

in brite-lite of all this, you may be thinking to yourself: “jesus, the american revolution sounds like a waste of time, a circle-jerk for a gang of adolescents at a slumber party.” well, rest assured, you’re dead on.*

later…

*when did the american revolution actually pop off? was it in 1765, when british parliament created the world’s largest stamp collection (geeks!)? was it in 1775, when the first sissy-fight broke out at lexington & concord? was it in 1776, when john whipped out his hancock and, along with fitty-four other sphincter-says-whats, pissed all over thomas jefferson and his “special document”?

who knows. it ain’t important. all you punk motherfuckers need to know is that the colonies decided to start taking names.*