Excerpt From "A Country of Scorn (and Porn)"...

Lord Twigbury, governor of Delaware from 1708-1714, was your average asshole British gentleman. Born out of a cannon, dying to chew his way to the top of his own food chain, L.T. (as his friends knew him, an old-testament to his killer strength & snuff habit) knew what time it was in the colonies:

“The time has come, my fellow trapeze artists, to dangle cheese in front of these rats and then hit them upside the head with it. Pay no mind to the substance of these words. My point is that for too long now the colonies have been jiving to their own beat. They must synchronize their watches back to London. I mean, don’t these pricks understand the premise of a colony? Do they think I govern for fun? That there’s a “Lord” before my name because it sounds cute? What will happen to our Queen’s England if we permit Yankee Scum to start naming themselves? First comes “Mariah” and then BAM! You and yours truly are out of a goddamn job. Do you dig?”

He continued (No one else, for the record, was present) ...

“Look at all you graceless excuses for noblemen! You let them do this to us, right under our powdered wigs!! Just this past fortnight, I was shining my boots with what I thought was the finest of turtle wax, manufactured nowhere else but in the mother of all motherlands: England! Imagine the feeling of death in my stomach when I read the bottom of the jar:

Not only was this wax made from turtles roving the Massachusetts Bay, it was assembled & profited on by crackers not loyal to the Queen of England.

Are you hearing this?! What’s next? American Muffins?!!”

You better believe that Twigbury would have raged on for hours, alone in his 4th tearoom. But after computing the horrific notion of a world without English Muffins, L.T. choked on the most titanic case of heart failure in the history of the world (All this before the advent of the McMuffin!). The Dover medical examiner claimed that the insides of Twigbury’s chest looked like a “gaggle of real-life toy soldiers had danced their best Patrick Swayze all over them and then left a ticking cluster bomb behind for good measure.”

Yikes.